A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Friday, March 16, 2007
Dear dark side points,
I was in what I like to consider a drunken/drugged fuck-fest, for about a year. At first everything seemed to be going fine until he just wanted me to give him oral sex everytime we hung out together. When I would say no he would grab my hair and try to force me. I honestly felt like I had no way out of it so I was always suckered into it. Everytime he needed a ride (because he doesn't have a car) or he needed money (because he doesn't have a job) I would always go running to help him out. I started to fall for him and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because girls always go for the assholes. I couldn't stand all of the physical and emotional abuse and I tried to get away from it but I couldn't. He had the power to suck me back in. He was the second person I ever had sex with (and the first was a one afternoon stand) so I feel so emotionally attached to him because he actually wanted me, but only in private because when we were around his friends he would hit me and treat me so badly (his friends thought it was funny).
Him and I have not seen each other in about 9 months because he has a girlfriend now and he doesn't need me around. In any case, I still think about how much I love him and miss him and how much he hurt me on a day to day basis. My question is, because of my trust issues and fear of getting hurt will I ever be able to seriously love someone again? Would it be a completely horrible idea to reach out to him and tell him I love him but he ruined me or is that far too pathetic?
Sincerely,
Vulnerable Masochist
Vulnerable Masochist
Dear Crazy McCuckoo,
While pretty much everyone you care to ask will point to the nine months you've been crippled by an inability to move on and your continued desire to get back in touch, and (fairly) judge you as “pathetic”, Dark Side Points is a hopeless romantic at heart. We believe that Love conquers all—it just needs a little help and/or encouragement sometimes. Clearly all that backstory about how he mentally and physically abused you is immaterial; the real roadblock to your happiness has to be the new girlfriend. We think you should plan a confrontation with this girl, and have yourselves a little “talk”.
You're going to need the following items:
- rubber hose, 20' or more
- box of dark colored trash bags
- mace/pepper spray
- latex gloves
- BB gun (pistol)
- knife or machete
- steel mallet
- a disguise (at a minimum, a wig and trenchcoat)
- adult diapers (for the 16 hr drive)
You may have heard about something similar in the papers recently, and that, admittedly, didn't turn out so well. But while that particular go-getter failed on her mission, YOU will have a clear advantage in the motivation department, as the object of your love is not some loser space shuttle jockey, but an unemployed, borderline rapist.
So shine on, you crazy diamond. Oh, and can we have $500 and the keys to your car?